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Merry Christmas Everybody!!!!!
PRESS RELEASE CHRISTMAS DOWNSIZING
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for
better, more competative steps. Effective immediately, the following economy
measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the
cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
providing considerable savings in maintenace.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system with a
call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have
been calling, how often and how long have they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious
metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in
order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury that can no longer be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day
is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and
an upgrading in the selection proceedure by personnel will assure management
that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The
function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their
outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny
by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring,
or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of
international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an
oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new
music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the
bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,animals and
other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that streching deliveries
over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service
levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion
to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is
pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in
the future to stay competative. Should this happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White division to see if seven dwarfs is
the right number.
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CD-ROM Vol 3 was produced by Monica M. Shively and other staff at the
Purdue University Cytometry Laboratories and distributed free of charge
as an educational service to the cytometry community.
If you have any comments please direct them to
Dr. J. Paul Robinson, Professor & Director,
PUCL, Purdue University, West Lafayette, IN 47907.
Phone: (765)-494-0757;
FAX(765) 494-0517;
Web